Happy Halloween!

We'll be handing out candies to the Trick-or-Treaters tonight. At least Liz will be. My job usually is to stay pent up in the computer room with our three rude, bark-&-growl-at-everyone-that-rings-the-doorbell mutts.

Festival of Light Classical Music

Absolutely the best collection of Light Classical Music of all time, it was released by Readers Digest in 1960 0r 1961. My Dad bought it, and I played it to death while everybody else was listening to some new group called The Beatles. You certainly got your money's worth too - each LP holds 45-50 minutes of music. . Somewhere along the line, it exited my folks' house - mosts likely when they no longer had a turntable. I can't see any chance of RD ever re-releasing it in CD form, so I was pleasantly surprised when I found the whole set (sans the box cover) at my local used-LP store. I was even more pleasantly surprised when they gave it to me for free. Because hey, it's a rock-&-roll store and no one would ever buy Light Classical LP's anymore, would they? . The records are in fair shape. No discernible warping, and only one skip so far after playing six of the LP's. But they are fraught with hissing and minor scratches, and that's the step in LP-to-CD conversion that chews up the man-hours. . So I was (again) pleasantly surprised last night when I came across a $20 software program last night that automatically removes hisses, scratches, and pops. I bought it, downloaded it, and tried it out this afternoon. I'd say it removes about 98% of the various types of noise, which is quite acceptable to me. It still takes about 2 hours to do a complete conversion, but that's child's play since I don't have to remove those scratches. W00t w00t!

Why I don't work for People Magazine

Their Headline : Mariah Carey is pregnant!. My first thought : Holy crap, Mariah. Roseanne's gonna start hanging out with you so she can look skinny! .

Their Headline : Billy Ray Cyrus and wife Trish divorcing!

My first thought : Good grief! Her eyes are three times the size of his. One of them is an Extra-Terrestial. And I think it's her.

RIP - LimeWire

Born : 29 May 2000

Died : 27 October 2010

. It is with a heavy heart and a not-so-heavy yawn that we bid adieu to LimeWire today. A federal judge has issued a permanent injunction against the file-sharing network, the results of a 4-year (!) trial. LimeWire now joins entities such as Grokster, Napster, SuprNova, Pirate Bay, and MiniNova in that great P2P Neighborhood in the sky. You can read the Daily Telegraph's article on it here. . The article's claim of "50 million users per month" seems overblown to me. LimeWire was my first experience with P2P, but that was a long time ago. It wasn't too long before the site became so infested with viruses that only a naive 12-year-old or a master hacker would risk downloading anything from it. I am neither. . I also could never quite get past the sneaking suspicion that the site was actually a proxy spy-site for the RIAA. I mean really, guys. Why would you develop a feature that forced you to show your whole music library to anyone and everyone? Could things get any more convenient for the brownshirt thugs from the RIAA when they came a-trolling? . So while we're minorly bummed that another file-swapping site has been squashed, I was frankly surprised that it was still even around. Vaya con Dios, LimeWire. Sadly, I barely remember you.

The NBA starts tonight!

And already we've learned that the Miami Heat might not be the greatest team of all time. . Meanwhile, the Phoenix Suns start on the road in Portland, so the above comic seems appropriate. The experts are picking the Suns to finish anywhere from 5th to 8th in the West. . I'm thinking we won't even make the playoffs. As of this posting, it's halftime, we're down by four, and it doesn't look like we know the meaning of the words "defense" or "rebounding". Come back, Amaré. All is forgiven.

Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It's Flavour (on the bedpost overnight)?

I learned about a new (for me) musical genre today - Skiffle. It's foremost artist - indeed, its founding father, was one Lonnie Donegan. I found a 3-CD compilation of his stuff for $7 at the used-book store, and played it at work all day today. It's strange listening to something that makes Bluegrass seem highbrow. Here's one of his more famous songs, although strictly speaking, I don't think it's a true example of Skiffle.

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World Series Time!!

And for the first time ever, my Texas Rangers are in it! My Phillies got close, but biffed last night. And my Diamondbacks were mathematically eliminated about 10 games into the season. . We play the San Francisco Giants, who I have nothing against. But I've been a Rangers fan for nearly 40 years, and we've waited a long time for this. It should be a great series, and it starts Wednesday night. .

I don't do a lot of prognosticating, but methinks having Cliff Lee gives us a slight edge. I'm looking for the Rangers to win it in 6 games. Which is too bad, cuz it means the final game will be in San Fran, not Arlington.

Quote for the day

"When faced with the unthinkable, one chooses the merely impossible."

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(from Laurie King's "The Beekeeper's Apprentice")

Mole Day

Tomorrow (10/23) is International Mole Day. As in Avogadro's Number and all that. It is properly celebrated at either 6:02 AM of 6:02 PM. I'll do something geeky - maybe mix vinegar with bleach. But I will definitely avail myself to the "PM" option.

Vassar Clements - Orange Blossom Special

Vassar Clements was in my opinion the greatest fiddler of all time. I'm just finishing up converting the only two LP's I can find of his. Here's a YouTube video of him doing the Orange Blossom Special, which is also on one of the LP's. Oh yeah, his supporting cast in this video is pretty spectacular too.

Scientist quote for the day

"...then again it was a dusky and colorful group, of vests and shawls and scarves and jewelry, including an ankh here and a figurine of dog-headed Anubis there. Their women might not be Cleopatra, but they certainly had an alluring beauty. What lovemaking secrets might they know? I pondered that question for some moments. I am, after all, a scientist."

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From William Dietrich's "Napoleon's Pyramids" (pg. 56)

from our garden

Something quick, as I'm glued to ESPN.com for updates on the Yankees-Rangers Game #4. I'd watch it on TV, but Liz is glued to it watching Bristol and Kurt and Florence cha-cha their little tutus off. . Here's a photo I took in our backyard garden today of a spider weaving its web. I feel like he's trying to communicate with me, but what would he be saying?

True on both counts

It's always fun to be accosted by missionaries when we walk our dogs at night. Elder Elder exudes utter confidence as he tries not to look like a total dork in his crash hlemet and on his ten-speed. Elder Younger lags behind to learn. . I'm not really in any mood for a theological debate, and our three dogs just want to go on walking. So I amble away. Which Elder Elder is sure means I have no answer for his persuasive personality.

Big Bad John - Jimmy Dean

Album : Big Bad John & Other Fabulous Songs & Tales

Artist : Jimmy Dean

Release Year : 1961

Genre : Country & Western

Overall Rating : 8*/10

. Jimmy Dean passed away earlier this year (13 June), and I probably should've done a RIP posting on him. I remember hearing the hit, Big Bad John, as a kid; but I couldn't have told you any other songs by him. When I saw this LP in the freebie bin at my local used-record shop, I snagged it and converted it. . Nor surprising for a freebie, the vinyl was a holy mess. A zillion major scratches and a gazillion minor ones. I took the big ones out, but left the little ones, so there's a lot of "static" to put up with. Thankfully, the disc wasn't warped and there were no skips. . Jimmy Dean is first and foremost a story-teller. His singing voice is okay, and his supporting band is adequate, but you play his albums mostly to sing along. Big Bad John was a crossover hit, topping both the Pop and Country Charts. It even hit #2 in the UK. . I was surprised how many other of the tracks on this LP I had heard before. I don't think my dad had any Jimmy Dean records, and I'm certain none of my college roommates did. It was a laborious convert, but it's an album I'll enjoy, as long as I don't play it on a good stereo system. . Complete track listing (my favorites in pink) :

01.) Big Bad John (3:00)

02.) Smoke, Smoke, Smoke That Cigarette (2:45)

03.) Sixteen Tons (2:40)

04.) Make The Waterwheel Roll (1:55)

05.) Gotta Travel On (2:17)

06.) Oklahoma Bill (3:42)

07.) Night Train To Memphis (2:28)

08.) Grasshopper Mac Clain (3:14)

09.) I Won't Go Huntin' With You Jake (2:49)

10.) To A Sleeping Beauty (5:16)

Family Portrait

Here's a photo of a bunch of my extended family. That's Lucy and Lucien in the lower right. I posted a picture of Lucy a couple years ago. You can see it here. She's held up pretty good over the past 24 months, hasn't she? . You can read more about this fabulous display here.

Putting us on the map

Yessirree, bob. Having Jan Brewer as our governor has made Arizona famous. Do you think Terry Goddard can generate this kind of publicity? Not on your life. . True, she reinforces the image of Arizonans as xenophobic idiots. But headlines are headlines. And we haven't had this much press since electing that used-car salesman, Ev Meacham, to be our guv a while back. So here's to you, Governor Jan. You may be a cretin, but you're our cretin.

Quote for the day

"That's the scary thing about hope. If you let it go too long it turns into faith." (from Christopher Moore's novel, Coyote Blue).

Hang Cool Teddy Bear - Meat Loaf

Artist : Meat Loaf (that's two words, not one)

Title : Hang Cool Teddy Bear

CD Release Date : 11 May 2010

Genre : Rock & Roll, Baby!

Overall Rating : 9*/10

. The latest album from Meat Loaf, and an excellent effort. 12 tracks of good, old-fashioned Rock & Roll. The liner notes say it's a concept album, based loosely on a story by Kilian Kerwin. I don't see it, but what-evuh. . There are no songs written by Jim Steinman, but don't worry. The lyrics more than hold their own. There's even one penned by Bon Jovi. Jack Black joins in on vocals on one of the tracks. It's not as bad as most people say, but it's not the high point of the CD either. Stevie Vai guests on a couple of the tracks. Patti Russo is dynamic as always. . If you like Meat Loaf's Dead Ringer and Bad Attitude albums, you'll love Hang Cool Teddy Bear. The arrangements aren't as lavish as Steinmanic numbers, so the emphasis is more on good old Rock & Roll - the kind Springsteen used to put out before he decided he was a folk singer. Mr. Loaf's voice holds up quite well for a 62-year-old, thank you very much. . Complete track listing (my favorites in pink) :

01. Peace On Earth

02. Living On The Outside

03. Los Angeloser

04. If I Can't Have You

05. Love Is Not Real

06. Like A Rose

07. Did You Ever Love Somebody

08. Song Of Madness

09. Running Away From Me

10. Let's Be In Love

11. If It Rains

12. Elvis In Vegas

. It's nice to see an artist putting out an album that's good from start to finish, instead on one decent track and 11 chunks of filler. Meat Loaf did the first three tracks at his recent concert here in Phoenix. Buy this album. Play it. Over and over again. Sing along with him on Los Angeloser. 9 Stars.

Thought for the day

"Against logic, there is no armor like ignorance." (Laurence J. Peter) (*)

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(*) : Inventor of the famed "Peter Principle" in 1968 : "every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence."

It's A Beautiful Day (Concert)

It's A Beautiful Day played at the Rhythm Room Saturday night, and it was a great show. They started promptly at 6:00, and played two solid hours (minus some witty repartee). David LaFlamme is stunning on the electric violin (or, as he pointed out - a miniature viola, since it has five strings, not four). It was a family affair, with wife Linda handling the female vocals, and daughter (Alicia?) joining Mom and Dad on stage to sing harmony on a couple numbers. . They did most of the eponymous debut album, plus a couple cuts from the almost-as-good Marrying Maiden and Choice Quality Stuff ones. There were about 4 songs I didn't know, one of which was off the It's A Beautiful Day...Today LP, which I have but never play. .

The place was packed. Doors opened at 5:00, but we got there about 10 minutes before the gig started, so we had to stand throughout the show. But I'm used to that from attending various Metal concerts. And unlike those Metal concerts, where I turn out to be 20 years older than everybody else, the entire audience here was gray-haired, ponytailed SIT60's, except for Jason and Jasel.

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This was a low-tech show - just the band doing their thing. The trade-off was that you were within 20 feet of the stage, and picture-taking was allowed. A month from now Melanie will be there, and then in February it's Goose Creek Symphony. All-in-all, three groups that I never thought I'd see in concert. Sweet.

Happy Anniversary Hamid!

Yesterday, 07 October, marked the 9th anniversary of our invasion of Afghanistan. 2100 US and Coalition servicemen are dead, we've spent a gazillion dollars on the war, and what do we have to show for it? We occupy Kabul, but little else. Only someone with a deathwish ventures out into the countryside. . Our lackey figurehead, Hamid Karzai, just announced that he is forming a council to negotiate with the Taliban to explore ways of achieving peace. Does that sound like he has a lot of confidence in the US, the NATO troops, and/or his own soldiers? . And don't get me started on the 50,000 "trainers" still in Iraq. Hey, Obama! Did you forget we voted for you cuz you promised to get us out of that region? Have you seen the latest polls - 60% of Americans want our troops brought home. . I'm having trouble telling the difference between your war policy and Dubnutz's. If you can't say "Mission Accomplished" after 9 nine years, give it up.

You can buy me one of these...

...for my birthday. Or for Christmas. Or for the upcoming National Mole Day. Heck, you can buy it for me for no reason at all. Or build me one. I'm not hard to please.

2010 Nobel Prize in Medicine

The 2010 Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded on Monday to Professor Robert Edwards, for his groundbreaking work on in-vitro fertilization (test tube babies). I'm not quite sure about why they chose this year to give him the honor - IVF has been around since the late 70's. But Edwards is 85 and in apparent poor health, so perhaps they just wanted to give him the recognition before he dies. . You can read the MSNBC article on it here. Unsurprisingly, Pope Benny and the Roman Catholic church denounced the award. . Sorry, Benny. Science doesn't give a whoop-de-doo about your Dark Ages theology. I'm sorry that you think it's heresy to say the sacred Earth revolves around the godless Sun, and not vice versa. That's the way half-baked cookie crumbles. . Believe it or not, Science and Theology can co-exist. Science answers the question "How", and we leave it to others to pontificate on the cosmic question "Why". What Science is incompatible with is Religious Opinions. You're just guessing, Benny. We're analyzing. The latter trumps the former every time.

The Spellman Files by Lisa Lutz

I invented a new genre, "Dysfunctional Comedy" just to aptly describe this book. It's got a Sedaris-like family (although presumably, the Spellmans are purely fictional) and Bryson-like humor. Highly recommended.

The Druids are back!

The UK officially recognized Druidism as a religion this week. You can read about it here. Two of my multiple personalities are (what you would call) Druids, so they're quite ecstatic about this, even if most of the modern-day "druids" are just flower-children who like to smoke pot outdoors and take a whiz while standing on top of one of the cross-slabs at Stonehenge. . The more practical consequence of this is that the Druid organizations now have the same status and get the same tax breaks as mainstream religions. . You might find it hard to take serious a pantheistic religion that sees its gods as various forces of nature. But is it more far-fetched than thinking that 72 virgins await you in Paradise if you blow yourself up, or that there once was this giant boat that doubled as a floating zoo? Hardly.

Goose Creek Symphony in Arizona!

Oh my! I just found out these guys will be at The Rhythm Room here in Phoenix in February 2011. Normally, they don't do any concerts outside the Ohio - Kentucky - Tennessee area. The occasion for this exception is their induction into the Arizona Music Hall of Fame. It is a little-known fact that these hippie bluegrass rock virtuosos actually originated in the Phoenix area in the late 60's. . I've loved these guys since college. I don't remember which of my roommates had their albums; I'm indebted to whomever it was. Goose Creek Symphony is/was a tremendously talented band, but most people have never heard of them. I've found three of their LP's over the years and have converted them all to CD. I will definitely be seeing them in February.

Banned Books Week

I should've mentioned earlier that this past week has been Banned Books Week. As the Teabagger Movement gains ground, you can expect to see more and more efforts to control what people can read. Heck, the Texas Board of Education is already doing this by trying to rewrite the History books. . Most activists urge you to read a banned book during this week. I'll simply say that you should read whatever you want. Banned, not-banned, it doesn't matter. You make a statement by doing so.

Cyanide & Happiness

This blog is committed to posting any and all cartoons that quote Kurt Vonnegut. For the record, it is from the most excellent Slaughterhouse Five, and a more complete version is : . All time is all time. It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is. Take it moment by moment, and you will find that we are all, as I've said before, bugs in amber.

1812 Overture

Tchaikovsky rocks! I've loved Light Classical music since I was a young teenager. Especially the stuff with droopy dreary violins - Tchaikovsky, Beethoven, and anyone named Strauss. .

I picked up this album for $1 at the used-record store. I have no idea who Bernard Haitink is (although he is listed at Wikipedia); but his Amsterdam Orchestra is up to the task.

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This album appears to have been issued in 1973. Three Tchaikovsky opuses, with one common denominator - they all have at least a couple bars of the Russian national anthem incorporated into them. 49 minutes of great music. And a kewl album cover to boot.

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The conversion was relatively painless. No skips, and only a few major scratches. I was fortunate to find jpegs of both the front and back covers on the Internet. I burned it to CD, and listened to it on the way to work a couple mornings last week. At 80 decibels, it gave me goosebumps. 9*/10.

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Track listing : (01) Overture 1812, Op. 49 (15:51). (02) Slavonic March, Op. 31 (9:30). Francesca da Rimini, Op. 32 (24:08).

Printer Woes

Something quick, as I'm having major issues with my printer this evening. It's about to get its butt tossed out the window.

How to score less than the 50th percentile

I actually witnessed something like this once. We were in high school, and everyone in my class was in the auditorium, taking the SAT's. I used to eat those tests up - it was just math and English. . So there I was, buzzing along, with a "I've got this test aced" high, when I chanced to look at the test paper of the guy in front of me. In fairness, this was somebody who had no intention of going to college. So a good SAT score meant nothing to him. And there he was, just making diagonal patterns with the dots down the page. And finishing in record time, I imagine. . It was at that point that I realized that merely scoring in the upper 50% on one's College Boards is really not that impressive.

The Hills of Indiana - Lonnie Mack

Album : The Hills of Indiana (Elektra)
Artist : Lonnie Mack
Year LP Issued : 1971
Year CD Issued : 2003
Genre : Rock, Folk, Bluegrass, Blues, you name it
LP Length : approx. 42 minutes
Rating : 9*/10
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Lonnie Mack is first and foremost a great blues guitarist. But back in the late 60's Elektra tried to present him as a rockabilly artist. The Hills Of Indiana was his third album for them. I don't think it sold worth a hoot, but Elektra did pitch it a bit by putting one of its tracks on a triple-LP album - The Garden Of Delights, which had just a poopload of great-but-unknown artists on it. One of these days I'll have to convert that as well.

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What's To Like...

There is some great guitar work by Lonnie. He also shows off on the fiddle on Bill Monroe's Uncle Pen. The slow ballads and spirituals are good as well. Some of the songs are Mack-penned; but quite a few were written by others.

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The Best of the Bunch...

Lay It Down (the track that Elektra put on GOD). Uncle Pen (there is no such thing as bad bluegrass). Asphalt Outlaw Hero (awesome guitar lick). The Man In Me (a Bob Dylan song, but I will always think of Al Kooper when I hear it). Three Angels (co-written and co-sung by Mack's friend, Don Nix).

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Why Convert The LP...

Based on Lay It Down, I special-ordered this album in the early 70's. Then for some reason, I parted with it. Not rock-and-roll enough? Too country-ish? It's hard to remember.

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Later on, I deeply regretted no longer having it. I watched for it for years at the used-LP shops, and finally found it a couple years ago. This disc is only in fair condition - lots of scratches, and one annoying skip that I finally circumvented. Still, it's great to hear it again, and I've been playing it a lot on the way to, and at, work. It has recently shown up as a CD on Amazon, but no one has yet written a review of it. I guess it still isn't selling.

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Which is a shame, really, because The Hills Of Indiana is a great album from top to bottom. If you come across it, snatch it up. Nine Stars.

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Complete Track Listing...

01. Ashpalt Outlaw Hero (3:02).
02. Florida (3:08).
03. Lay It Down (3:50).
04. The Hills Of Indiana (3:40).
05. Uncle Pen (1:48).
06. Bicycle Annie (5:10).
07. A Fine Way To Go (3:06).
08. Rings (3:10).
09. The Man In Me (3:09).
10. She Even Woke Me Up To Say Goodbye (3:20).
11. All Good Things Will Come To Pass (3:27).
12. Three Angels (4:39).

Friday Sing-Along

It's the weekend, and today my three-months-after-going-off-blood-thinners follow-up UltraSound found that the DVT's haven't returned. That makes me want to sing along with Mr. George.

Trivia Thursday

The historical Alice Liddell is pictured below, and that is also the person for whom the galactic space-barge in Take Back Plenty (which I just finished reading) is named. .

So just who is/was Alice Liddell? (Answer in the comments)

Seems Like Old Times (Movie)

Seems Like Old Times

Genre : Comedy; Light Romance

Theater Release Date : 19 December 1980

DVD Release Date : 19 March 2002

Length : 100 minutes

MPAA Rating : PG

Overall Rating : 8*/10
 

  . Seems Like Old Times is a follow-up to the Hawn/Chase flick Foul Play.  Written by Neil Simon, it finds a schlep (Chevy Chase) falsely framed for a bank heist, and seeking refuge at his ex's (Goldie Hawn) house, as she hides him in various places from her now husband (Charles Grodin).  Madcap mania ensues.

What's To Like...
    It's laugh-out-loud funny, thanks mostly to Hawn's efforts, a good script, and a gaggle of gags and routines.  This is almost despite Chase (who's a great comic but can't act worth a lick); and Grodin (who received a "Razzie" nomination - for worst supporting actor - for this film).

   The slack is taken up by a jive-talking chauffeur (T.K. Carter) and a no-nonsense cook/maid (Yvonne Wilder).  Heck, even the half dozen dogs do a good job of acting, especially the Yorkie.  Harold Gould plays the judge and almost succeeds with his Groucho Marx routine.  He doesn't quite pull it off, but hey, who can, outside of Groucho.

Excerpt...
    Goldie : "You just went through a stop sign!"
    T. K. : "I can't help it. I don't like to read when I drive."

   The performances by Chase and Grodin leave something to be desired, but the timing of the lines is perfect and I laughed throughout the movie.  I credit this to the director, Jay Sandrich.  In this day of "Dumber and Dumberer" comedies, it was a pleasant change to watch one where you were expected to use your brain a bit.

  . Ultimately, this is more like an hour-and-a-half SNL routine than a coherent story.  But there are zingers aplenty and ample antics, which more than make up for the somewhat tepid ending.  You won't find the meaning of life or love here, but you will be entertained.  That's all I ask of a film.  8 Stars.

Saying doesn't make it so

Here's the thing, teabaggers. Just because you say you're not bigoted doesn't mean you're not.

The Fall Phoenix Concert Season

Autumn has arrived, and you know what that means. Decent acts once again will be showing up in concert. Here's the ones I'm contemplating attending.

. 02 October - Johnny and Edgar Winter

09 October - Its A Beautiful Day

early November - Elton John & Leon Russell

10 November - Andre Watts

13 November - Melanie ("Safka", not "C")

late November - Roger Waters and The Wall tour
 

. That's an awesome schedule.   And James McMurtry was here yesterday, and I didn't even know it. . We have our Elton John and Roger Waters tickets already.   Melanie and IABD are at a local blues bar, and will only cost $30 each.   Johnnny & Edgar are at the Celebrity Theater, which is always a good place for a concert.   And Andre Watts is in a class by himself.

  .I won't make all of these, but it's hard to say which ones I'll miss. Stay tuned.

Yarr!

Today be Talk Like A Pirate Day, me mateys! So batten down the hatches, hoist up the landlubbers, and download an MP3 file!

Terrorists who don't wash their hands

A couple weeks ago, I took my first plane trip in a while. It was just a short jaunt over to Fresno, but I've been away from the TSA Security insanity for far too long. . As I entered the security check-in area at Sky Harbor, I was pulled aside by a lady in uniform and ordered to extend my hand. She proceeded to swathe it three times with some sort of liquid, and I then had to put my hand over some sort of scanner. . It of course turned out negative, and I later found out from a frequent-flying colleague that it was looking for traces of bomb-making material on my hands. Lucky for me as a chemist that none of my company's chemicals are apparently on the no-no list. . Curiously, there was a guy entering the Security Zone right behind me. The uniform asked him if he was with me. "No," he answered (truthfully). "Okay, you can go," she said, and he moved along without incident. So... . Did I really look like a terrorist, or was a TSA lady just trying to justify her existence and randomly check anyone she didn't like? And what difference did it make whether the next guy was with me or not. Do terrorists only work alone? . In any event, I feel so much safer knowing that TSA is watching out for bomb-makers who don't wash their hands.

PS3 Controller for Adults

Greetings, fellow geezers! The kewlest game system right now is Play Station 3. But its controller (see below) is a bit more complicated than the one you used to use to play Duck Hunter and Mario Kart. So here is a quick primer, in geezer-speak, so that you can play all the neat PS3 games without embarrassing yourself. Too much. .Let's get started. See those two knobs at the bottom? They are both joysticks. The one on the left moves you. The one on the right moves your eyes. Try to remember which is which when Cthuhlu or some other monster is bearing down on you. . At the top left are four directional arrows. They're used for something, but who knows what? Ignore them. Your left thumb should be concentrating on that moves-you joystick. And your pointer finger..., well we'll get to it in a bit. . To their right are two buttons. One marked "Select"; the other marked "Start". Don't worry about these during gameplay. They're only used when you're trying to quit, save a game, or pause. Your character will be dead long before you think about one of those options. . Moving further to the right, we have four VERY IMPORTANT buttons. We'll call them "X", "O", "Triangle", and "Square". You use them for all sorts of vital things - switching weapons, conversing with other characters, jumping, casting spells, lighting lamps, and managing your inventory of loot, artifacts, money, etc. Who knows which does what. Who cares? You have no time to look at your controller when a gazillion Nazis are charging you. Just start pushing all of them as fast as your can. . So you think that's all the buttons, eh? Think again. Down the front of the controller (upwards from the triangle, for instance) are four more. These are for your pointing fingers. They are called "Left One", Left Two", "Right One", and "Right Two". The "two's" are below the "one's". These are also very important. They punch, kick, block, aim, and (most importantly) shoot your BFG. I think most times, Shoot is Right One. and Aim is Left One. Maybe. Maybe not. Try to figure out which one shoots as soon as you start the game. . So there you go. Counting up, you have two joysticks and fourteen (!!) buttons to keep track of. And we won't even tell you how pressing down on the left joystick makes your character crouch or crawl. Now get out there and kick some beastly butt. If you can figure out how to get from TV mode to PS3 mode.