The Husband - Dean Koontz

2006; 415 pages. Awards : NY Times #1 Best Seller. Genre : Crime Thriller, but you'll find Koontz and this book in the "Horror" section of your bookstore. Overall Rating : "B+".

.

.

This is my second Koontz book, although I read the first one a long time ago - September 2007. There are no Frankensteins or scrabble-playing dogs here - just a good Crime Thriller.

.

.

My review in 50 words or less...

Mitch Rafferty, owner of a small gardening company, is given 60 hours to come up with two million dollars as ransom for his kidnapped wife. He has $10,000 in the bank, so he's a bit short; and he can't go to the cops. What would you do?

.

.

The veritably verbose version of the review is here.

SOTU

Hi, Barack. I caught some of your SOTU speech a couple nights ago. It was nice to see everyone decked out in red and blue outfits/ties, and watch the Democrats do the "stand & clap after every sentence" routine instead of the Reflublicans. You know their butt cheeks were aching, but they had to remain sitting and dour. . It was a good speech. Nevertheless, we need to talk. Losing Ted Kennedy's seat is embarrassing. Methinks you and Congress have lost your way. Luckily, I'm here to help you back onto the path. The reward is re-election for all of yooze. So let's take the issues one by ome. . . Health Care Reform Lord knows we need it. We're the foremost country in the world, yet a sizable number of our citizens can't afford adequate Health Care. That's terrible. Unfortunately, to have coverage for everyone instead of coverage for half of us is going to cost money. Money we just don't have right now. So my advice is - shelve this for now. . Iraq - Afghanistan WTF are we still doing there? Other than moving some of the troops from Iraq to Afghanistan, nothing has changed. Do you realize how many of us voted for you because we didn't want John "100 more years over there" McCain elected? . Bring them home. Now. You've been occupying the one country for 7 years; the other one for 9. Everyone in both countries hates us, and you're breeding a whole generation of prospective terrorists and suicide bombers. Besides the wars are a major drain on our budget. That money is much better spent somewhere else. Like Health Care Coverage. . Gitmo Keep your pledge. Shut it down. Try the ones that you have sufficient and untainted evidence against. Confessions elicited from waterboarding don't count. And try them in American courts. Don't listen to the bullsh*t from the dittoheads about trying them in military tribunals. I'm proud of our judicial system. It can render correct verdicts and appropriate punishment. . The ones that you don't think you can convict, you need to release. Yeah I know, some of them hate our guts. And will try to destroy us. These things happen when you spend eight years torturing them without any evidence that they deserve such a fate. I'd rather deal with these guys a second time around than a whole generation of terrorists who are appalled at our treatment of other human beings. . Wall Street Bankers It's okay to waterboard them. Just kidding. But this is what you and Congress should've been concentrating on for the past year. Wall Street needs to be regulated so that the housing-freeze and financial meltdown don't happen again. Fire the existing Wall Street execs. Take away their bonuses until they've paid back the money. . BiPartisanship Forget about it. If the Repugnicans were given the choice between working with you and saving the country, or working against you and watching the whole economy go down in flames, they'll choose the latter. So the heck with them. As Marie Antoinette said, "Let them eat sh*t." . And stop kissing Joe Lieberman's a$$. Don't get fixated on that "filibuster-proof" magic number of 60 seats in the Senate. It's over-hyped and you didn't do much with it last year anyway. The magic number is 51, not 60. If the Regrublicans want to filibuster, let 'em. C-SPAN can televise their antics. It'll reveal them as the party of "NO". Personally, I think it'll gain us votes. . The Stimulus Nobody said it was a sure-fire cure for what ails the economy. What was said was that, if we didn't throw money at the situation right away, the economy would collapse. And remember, it was the Refuglican party's golden boy - Dubnutz - who first proposed the Stimulus. The economy is getting better, but it's still in ICU. The Reglublicans had eight years (16 if you count Ronald Raygun's idiotic deregulation actions) to screw everything up. It's not something that can be fixed in a year. . Jobs I heard your comments on this issue. It sounded nice, but didn't really say anything. Unfortunately, this is one issue that is going to keep getting worse, no matter who's in the White House and who controls Congress. Europe went through this in the last half of the 20th Century. Once, they were an Industrial Giant. Today, they're mostly into Tourism. So it goes. We need to re-define ourselves too. Maybe as the Culture mecca of the world. Or maybe build 10,000 Disneylands. Foreign tourists love our amusement parks. . Immigration This is just a smoke-screen for racism, but that's a subject for another time. And no, they're not taking away any jobs. They're doing work that none of us gringos want to do. And oh yeah, you're doing it all wrong. In case you haven't noticed, the illegals are still here. Building a 10-foot wall just means somebody else built an 11-foot ladder. . Instead, why not charge them a nominal fee to work here? Charge them twice as much if they want benefits as well. Either way, they're here. By my way, we get a small amount of money out of it. And once we have a bunch of legal-illegals, they'll make sure that the illegal-illegals stay home. .

.

So there you go, Mr. Obama. I realize some of this is over-simplistic. Bringing the troops home will just mean another 150,000 people unemployed. Adequate Health Care Coverage just means less starvation, and more mouths to feed. And not building a giant, thousand-mile wall means less money for the concrete-pourers.

. But I voted for you. And I'll be voting for you next time, too. I'm one of the good guys. So please. Regain your focus and remember why we voted for you. Feel free to call on me any time you need more advice. I'm also available to be your hand-picked CEO for AIG.

Ballroom Dancing

At some point in February - I'm not sure exactly when - I am required to attend a lah-di-dah affair (formal attire required) where there will be ballroom dancing. Folks, I struggle with the "one step forward, two steps back" slow dancing, so my participation in this social affair is not going to be pretty. And no, there will be no jpegs of the debacle.

RIP - J.D. Salinger

.

b. : 01 January 1919

d. : 27 January 2010

. Well, bummer. People worth remembering are passing away faster than I'm doing RIP posts.

The Pickup Artist - Terry Bisson

2001; 240 pages. Genre : Fiction; Satire. Overall Rating : "B".

.

.

I like Terry Bisson books. His stories are always set in slightly-futuristic worlds, with lots of vivid details. His books are hard to find, but if you see one in your local library or used-book store, give him a try.

.

.

My review in 50 words or less...

Think Fahrenheit 451. There's too much art (paintings, movies, music CD's and albums, books) in the world. Some of it needs to be deleted, so new art can replace it. Hank Shapiro is okay doing this, until he picks up a Hank Williams album, for whom he was named.

.

.

The 3-D version of this review can be found here.

What percentage would cheat?

This is a continuation of the Tiger post below, wherein we asked what percentage of married people cheat on their spouses, or would if the chance presented itself. Obviously this isn't something that taking a poll would cover - most people would naturally say they would never do such a thing. So here's my proposed method... . Step 01. Write down (at least) 10 people that you are on at least a conversational basis with. Co-workers are ideal. People you go to church with don't count (anyone can act holy for an hour), but if you occasionally go out with them for lunch, then that's fine. Fellow club-members are also great, as is anyone you know well enough to invite to a party. Neighbors are okay if you occasionally talk to them and don't hate their guts. . Don't include yourself - too subjective. And don't include your spouse - we don't want to start a fight here. Brothers and sisters are okay, but not your parents. Don't include Tiger (he would); and don't include Mrs. Tiger (she wouldn't). Don't include South Carolina governor Mark Sanford (shown above); we know his answer too. . Step 02. No, no. I said to write the names down. . Step 03. Okay, take person #1, and imagine them coming to you and saying, "Can we talk?" Followed by something akin to "I need to tell this to someone. I'm having an affair." . Now add a plausible rationalization for that person to give. Some possibilities : "(Spouse) and me have drifted apart. We even sleep in separate beds." Or, "After years of being just friends, passion just sprang up between (lover) and me." Maybe, "I met someone who I think is my soulmate." How about, "I found out (spouse) is cheating on me, so I figured what's good for the goose is good for the gander." Whatever seems most likely for that person. . Step 04. Now step back and evaluate - is there even a remote possibility that that person could say something like that? Mark them either "Yes" or "No". . Step 05. Repeat the process with the other nine people on your list. . Step 06. Add up the "Yesses". Multiply by ten. Add ten percent cuz you gave one of those people the benefit of the doubt. What percentage did you get? . I ended up with 5 out of 10, which comes out to 60% once the self-delusion factor is added in. I know this exercise is pseudo-scientific. If you can think of a better way to determine this, by all means, speak up.

Dinosaurs were made up by the CIA to discourage time travel

Something quick, as tonight was gym night. You might think the Google search shown above is fake, but it isn't. It's actually the name of a song by a group called Math The Band. Yeah, I've never heard of them either. You can buy the MP3 for 99 cents at Amazon. The link is here.

YFKM - Tiger Woods Rehab

Well, MSNBC finally wised up today. Pictured below is their headline from Thursday. Here's a link to their recently-revised story. This whole "Tiger's going to sex rehab" has been a pathetic attempt by his spin doctors. How many sightings have there been already? There was New York, Arizona (lucky us), South Africa (that's a long way to go to learn to keep your zipper up), and now Mississippi. . So let's see. Either all these sightings are true (in which case, Tiger seems to be lasting about one day per clinic), or they're false (in which case, they're remarkably psychic - knowing what type of establishment he'd be spending time at in the future). . The Mississippi sighting is particuarly asinine. We're supposed to believe that the paparazzi were sitting across from the front gate at the Sex Rehab clinic, and were lucky enough to snap some photos just as the gate opened and just as Tiger was walking past. So the clueless guards' conversation must've went something like this : . "Hey, Murray. Isn't it a little weird for that white panel truck to be parked across the street with a telephoto lens sticking out the window? It's beem there two days straight now." "Nah. But hey, Tiger just came out of the spa. We better open the front gate in case he wants to go get a pizza." . Let's face it, all these "sightings" reports (and now lucky photographs) are being choreographed by Tiger's spin doctors. You're supposed to believe he's battling an addiction, and has taken the first step towards recovery. And admire him for this. And buy the products he endorses. Bullsh*t. YFKM. . The truth is, Tiger's at home, still waiting for his teeth implants to heal. He's never been in one of these Sex Rehab Clinics, and never will, unless it's to do a damage-control photo op. And there's no reason for Tiger to go into rehab. He's not addicted to sex; he's just one of the 50%-60% of the population who'd cheat on their spouse if given the opportunity. And Tiger gets lots and lots of opportunities. . One last thing. Do you think the estimate of a 50%-60% cheat rate (either real or potential), is too high? Or maybe too low? I've seen one source say that the number should be 100% - that everyone would cheat given the right set of circumstances. I don't buy that. But in any case, tomorrow (time permitting) we'll present a pseudo-scientific way of determining that number. Stay tuned.

Black Order by James Rollins

2006; 506 pages. Third book in the "Sigma Force" series. Author's real name : Jim Czajkowski. Genre : Action, Adventure. Overall Rating : "B".

.

.

My first book by James Rollins. Recommended by a fellow action-thriller reader at work.

.

.

My review in 50 words or less...

Psychopathic lamas in Nepal; bookstore-burning killers in Denmark; man-eating ukufas in South Africa. How does it all tie together? Nonstop action and interesting characters. A believable Cri-Fi puzzle. At times, a bit too Cusslerish. A page-turner until the very end.

.

.

.

The big-Bertha of a review is here.

the debut of YFKM

"I have never felt so much female energy around me. I find that I can't take my eyes off them. I'm 99 percent sure I will leave this movie a lesbian." (Kristen Bell, to Health magazine, on working with Cher and Christina Aguilera in the movie "Burlesque") .Kristen. Sweetie. What did your publicist tell you about using your own brain to make statements to the press? . I think in three sentences you've managed to p*ss off just about everyone. The anti gay-rights folks now fear that their daughters will turn into lesbians if they watch a movie with sexy women in it. The pro gay-rights folks want to talk to you about your concept of "turning into" a lesbian. . And Cher and Christina said that the next time you so much as touch them on the set, they'll b*tch-slap you into the next time zone. . YFKM. As in "You're Freaking Kidding Me!" I think we'll develop this into a recurring feature here. Tiger's "rehab" is next.

For chess geeks only...

Okay, I realize I'm picking nits here, but...I'm impressed that the pieces were set up correctly to start a game of chess. I was also impressed that they got the corner squares correct (black square in the corner on your left as you sit down to play), until I realized this was a fold-out chess board, so they'd naturally set it up right. And the puppy is the paragon of cuteness holding the king in his mouth. However... . WTF is that white Bishop doing out there by the model's hand?? None of the pawns have moved yet, so the Bishops have to be on their original squares. If you're going to put a piece out there, at least make it a Knight. . I know that's picky, but jeez, they took the time to set up the pieces right, so someone knew what they were doing. That someone should also have known that only Knights can jump over pawns. . And yeah, there's nothing wrong with the Black position. She could've been jumping her Knights forward and back the whole time.

Equal Rites by Terry Pratchett

1987; 254 pages. Book #3 in the Discworld series. Genre : Comedic fantasy. Overall Rating : B-.

.

What can I say - I'm a Discworld devotée. There are about three dozen books in the series. I've read about a third of them, and there's another dozen on my TBR shelf. If I hit the used-book stores often enough, I'll eventually find the remaining third.

.

My review in 50 words or less...

Two Discworld Truths : Wizards are always men and Witches are always women. But thanks to a misstep by a dying wizard, newborn Eskarina is steeped in wizardry. Mayhem ensues and gender stereotypes are reluctantly assailed. While Eskarina copes with her magic, Granny Weatherwax and the Unseen University learn to coexist. (*)

.

.

(*) Exactly 50 words. That was close.

.

.

You can find the super-sized version of the review here.

No n33d 4 wrdz

Word for the day : Pararhyme

Pararhyme : According to Wikipedia, it's "a near rhyme in which the consonants of two words are the same, but the vowels are different". I stumbled onto this strange device when researching one Wilfred Owen, who was the all-time foremost (also, the only) user of it. You can read about Wilfred here. You can read one of his works, Strange Meeting, that uses pararhyming here. . Here's the start of the poem, so you can see the pararhyming . It seemed that out of battle I escaped Down some profound dull tunnel, long since scooped Through granites which titanic wars had groined Yet also there encumbered sleepers groaned Too fast in thought or death to be bestirred Then, as I probed them, one sprang up and stared... . Kewl, huh? It definitely seems like something that works better in English than in, say, Spanish, French, or Mandarin. I really do need to check at my local library to see if they have anything by Owen.

RIP - Mike Buffington

He was a co-worker for many years, but he was much more. He was a friend, an agronomist, a world-traveler, a prankster, a joke-teller, and an upbeat voice in a world that's often downbeat. You can read more details about his life here. He will be missed by many.

Hey Nike !

Sorry about all that mess that your poster boy, Tiger, is going through. You've had to pull all of his ads, and the spin doctors won't be able to do anything about his image until those teeth implants have fully healed and Tiger's back on the golf courses. . Not to worry though. I think one of my personal heroes would make a great replacement.

No Pants Subway Day

Well crap. I missed No Pants Subway Ride day again. In case you're wondering, it was last Sunday. Now how in the world did I manage to miss that?

Oh yeah. There are no subways in Arizona. You can read about NPSR Day here.

I believe ... (Sports Edition)

... that the Arizona Cardinals are overwhelming favorites to win the Super Bowl this year! Mostly due to their superb defense. I believe... . ... that impending sanctions had absolutely nothing to do with Pete Carroll deciding to leave USC (who he built into a perennial powerhouse) to become head coach of the absolutely pathetic NFL Seattle Seahawks! I believe... . ... that Tiger Woods still has all of his natural teeth! But most of all I believe... ... that Mark McGwire only took steroids and HGH to recover from injuries, and never realized it might also help him hit more home runs! . For an excellent article about athletes going through the (e)motions of phony apologies, see here. Give it up, McGwire, you big cheater. Pete Rose has a better chance of getting into the HOF than you do.

In the Courts of the Sun - Brian D'Amato

2009; 679 pages. Genres : Apocalyptic Fiction; Alternate History. Book #1 of a trilogy. Overall Rating : B+.

.

This was a Christmas present from someone who is hereby declared to have excellent literary tastes! Thanks, Jasel!

.

.

My review in 50 words or less...

Our protagonist time-travels back to 664 AD in order to alter the prophecied 2012 end-of-the-world. The story is told in a first-person "Dave Eggers" style. Vivid descriptions of Mesoamerican life and a good storyline. Excellent Alt-History. More, please.

.

.

The whole chalupa of a review is given here.

Lesbrarians

We're posting this image in honor of the federal trial that started yesterday in San Francisco to decide the constitutionality of state laws (such as Proposition 8) banning gay marriages. At issue is whether such laws deprive gays of their civil rights and inherently promote inequality (such as segregation did 50 years ago). . Both sides have rehearsed for this for a long time, which is ironic in that both sides also admit that, no matter which way this case is decided, it will be appealed to SCOTUS. . Of course, we all know that Proposition 8 is a hate law, with the aim of stigmatizing gays. Oh, you'll hear sweet-smelling lies about how the proponents of Proposition 8 don't hate gays; they just want to preserve the sanctity of marriage. Bullsh*t. . I remember back in the 60's, during the hearings in Washington, when the segregationists brought in a (white) barber to give testimony about why he wouldn't let blacks into his shop. It wasn't that he was a racist, he said. It was just that the hair of Afro-Americans was thicker and stronger, and wore out his equipment faster. . What utter hogwash. The courts and the (majority of) Congress weren't fooled by those lies way back then. Let's hope they aren't fooled by the "Defense of Marriage" lies now.

The Great Anglican Glacier

I'd suspect this image of being photoshopped (the way the clouds conveniently avoid covering most of the landmass is suspicious), except that it was on MSNBC.com and they say they got it from the National Weather Service. Good grief, the whole UK is covered with ice and snow. You'd think the Gulf Stream current had reversed itself or something. Maybe this is how glaciers get started. . Here's a scene from a favorite spot for taking photos of Windsor Castle. Somewhere I have a summer-time pic taken from this very spot. . Meanwhile, here in Phoenix, we're looking at 74°F for a high tomorrow, and nary a cloud in sight. But a cold front is headed our way. Later this week, our highs will dip into the (gasp!) mid-60's, and our lows will be in the (brrr!) low-40's. So we can relate to everyone else's frigid weather. .

Not!

Smile !

Napalm and Silly Putty - George Carlin

2001; 269 pages. The cover says it's a "#1 New York Times Bestseller". Genre : American Humor. Overall Rating : "C".

.

This has been on my TBR shelf for more than a year. A bunch of short pieces, mostly taken from his stand-up routines.

.

My review in 50 words or less...

George Carlin says N&SP is "Good, funny, occasionally smart, but essentially drivel." That's both terse and accurate. The one-liners are the best, but the "Food" and "Time" monologues are good too. Alas, too much is crude, such as "The Humorous Side of Rape". Try the audiobook instead.

.

.

The full-blown review is here.

Just Wrong

The 4 Little Ponies of the Apocalypse

According to the Maya, they'll get here in 2012. At least I think that's what the book I'm currently reading is saying.

Fear of Flying

Thanks to some bozo who stuffed explosives in his underwear and tried to blow up a plane bound for the US, everyone's in a tizzy again about airport security. And we should be. . The TSA folks are telling us we'll be safe as long as we let them do full body scans of us. Yeah, that'll attract the voyeurs to a new career in airport secuirty. "Hey Charlie! Come check out the melons on this ...er... passenger. They could be holding enough C4 to blow the plane to smithereens. Ya think we ought to poke 'em just to see if they're real? In the name of security, of course." . Now I might be willing to tolerate this indignity if you could convince me it really would stop the aero-terrorists. Alas, this is the same TSA, whose beefed-up security measures earlier this week managed to a.) mistake jars of honey for TNT (in Bakersfield), and b.) pull a suspicious bag (in Minneapolis) after a signal from their bomb-sniffing dog, only to find later that the bag was one of their own. You can read about it here. . Let's face it, TSA is a bunch of Keystone Kops and we really aren't any safer flying now than we were on September 10th, 2001. You might fool yourself into feeling a little safer when your shoes get x-rayed and your mouthwash gets confiscated. But when the security forces can't keep track of their own bags, and think that killer bees are trying to blow up the plane, giving them a free peep-show isn't going to help one bit.

When dinosaurs read Camus...

... this happens. Dinosaur Comics is one awesome strip, BTW. Identical graphics every day, so it has to rely on 6 panels of text to hold the reader's interest. Which it does, day after day, in a masterful fashion. You can get your daily fix of it here.

Monday Brain Teaser

"MOMANON"

. "Decode" the above word ... or acronym ... or anagram ... or whatever it is. Anyone who is in Mensa (and I am not. Don't get me started on Mensa) should get this in a matter of seconds. Wikipedia won't help you, but googling will. . Or you can find the answer in the Comments to this post. Oh yeah, the image has absolutely nothing to do with the Brain Teaser. It's just neat to see Legos used in an illusion.

Dearly departed Lucky

The Venetian Betrayal - Steve Berry

2007; 550 pages. Book #3 in Berry's "Cotton Malone" series. Genres : Action-thriller; Cri-Fi. Overall Rating : A-.

.

Let's get 2010 started with a bang. Lots of bangs, actually, in this non-stop thriller from my favorite action author, Steve Berry.

.

My review in 50 words or less... Solve the riddle and find Alexander The Great's tomb. But you might also find a magic cure for all ills, including HIV. Do the medallions hold the key? The bad guys think so.

.

A couple eye-rolling moments, but overall a great story. Highly recommended.

.

.

The full-blown review is here.

JoPa and Bobby

Overall, it was a good day in NCAA football. The two coaching deans, Joe Paterno (Penn State) and Bobby Bowden (Florida State) both won their bowl games, beating LSU and West Virginia, respectively. Both coaches have been around forever. JoPa was the head coach at Penn State when I was a freshman there. And that was a few years ago. The Nittany Lions went undefeated that year, finishing seconf in the polls to also-unbeaten Ohio State. . The folks at Florida State are easing Bobby Bowden out to pasture at the end of this year. Everyone is smiling, but the truth is Bobby's getting booted because his teams consistently are only in the Top 25 anymore. In his heyday, Bobby's teams were always in the Top 5. The FSU folks should read their history and see what the state of Florida State football was before Bowden came along. I wonder if this sort of myopic-mindset will eventually do in JoPa as well. . Both games were great, featuring dramatic comebacks by the FSU and PSU squads. That being said, today's best finish was Northwestern-Auburn, but that's a subject for another day. . For now, congratulations to both Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden!! They are two class acts in the jaded world of collegiate football. For one day at least, age and integrity received their due.