SOTU

Hi, Barack. I caught some of your SOTU speech a couple nights ago. It was nice to see everyone decked out in red and blue outfits/ties, and watch the Democrats do the "stand & clap after every sentence" routine instead of the Reflublicans. You know their butt cheeks were aching, but they had to remain sitting and dour. . It was a good speech. Nevertheless, we need to talk. Losing Ted Kennedy's seat is embarrassing. Methinks you and Congress have lost your way. Luckily, I'm here to help you back onto the path. The reward is re-election for all of yooze. So let's take the issues one by ome. . . Health Care Reform Lord knows we need it. We're the foremost country in the world, yet a sizable number of our citizens can't afford adequate Health Care. That's terrible. Unfortunately, to have coverage for everyone instead of coverage for half of us is going to cost money. Money we just don't have right now. So my advice is - shelve this for now. . Iraq - Afghanistan WTF are we still doing there? Other than moving some of the troops from Iraq to Afghanistan, nothing has changed. Do you realize how many of us voted for you because we didn't want John "100 more years over there" McCain elected? . Bring them home. Now. You've been occupying the one country for 7 years; the other one for 9. Everyone in both countries hates us, and you're breeding a whole generation of prospective terrorists and suicide bombers. Besides the wars are a major drain on our budget. That money is much better spent somewhere else. Like Health Care Coverage. . Gitmo Keep your pledge. Shut it down. Try the ones that you have sufficient and untainted evidence against. Confessions elicited from waterboarding don't count. And try them in American courts. Don't listen to the bullsh*t from the dittoheads about trying them in military tribunals. I'm proud of our judicial system. It can render correct verdicts and appropriate punishment. . The ones that you don't think you can convict, you need to release. Yeah I know, some of them hate our guts. And will try to destroy us. These things happen when you spend eight years torturing them without any evidence that they deserve such a fate. I'd rather deal with these guys a second time around than a whole generation of terrorists who are appalled at our treatment of other human beings. . Wall Street Bankers It's okay to waterboard them. Just kidding. But this is what you and Congress should've been concentrating on for the past year. Wall Street needs to be regulated so that the housing-freeze and financial meltdown don't happen again. Fire the existing Wall Street execs. Take away their bonuses until they've paid back the money. . BiPartisanship Forget about it. If the Repugnicans were given the choice between working with you and saving the country, or working against you and watching the whole economy go down in flames, they'll choose the latter. So the heck with them. As Marie Antoinette said, "Let them eat sh*t." . And stop kissing Joe Lieberman's a$$. Don't get fixated on that "filibuster-proof" magic number of 60 seats in the Senate. It's over-hyped and you didn't do much with it last year anyway. The magic number is 51, not 60. If the Regrublicans want to filibuster, let 'em. C-SPAN can televise their antics. It'll reveal them as the party of "NO". Personally, I think it'll gain us votes. . The Stimulus Nobody said it was a sure-fire cure for what ails the economy. What was said was that, if we didn't throw money at the situation right away, the economy would collapse. And remember, it was the Refuglican party's golden boy - Dubnutz - who first proposed the Stimulus. The economy is getting better, but it's still in ICU. The Reglublicans had eight years (16 if you count Ronald Raygun's idiotic deregulation actions) to screw everything up. It's not something that can be fixed in a year. . Jobs I heard your comments on this issue. It sounded nice, but didn't really say anything. Unfortunately, this is one issue that is going to keep getting worse, no matter who's in the White House and who controls Congress. Europe went through this in the last half of the 20th Century. Once, they were an Industrial Giant. Today, they're mostly into Tourism. So it goes. We need to re-define ourselves too. Maybe as the Culture mecca of the world. Or maybe build 10,000 Disneylands. Foreign tourists love our amusement parks. . Immigration This is just a smoke-screen for racism, but that's a subject for another time. And no, they're not taking away any jobs. They're doing work that none of us gringos want to do. And oh yeah, you're doing it all wrong. In case you haven't noticed, the illegals are still here. Building a 10-foot wall just means somebody else built an 11-foot ladder. . Instead, why not charge them a nominal fee to work here? Charge them twice as much if they want benefits as well. Either way, they're here. By my way, we get a small amount of money out of it. And once we have a bunch of legal-illegals, they'll make sure that the illegal-illegals stay home. .

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So there you go, Mr. Obama. I realize some of this is over-simplistic. Bringing the troops home will just mean another 150,000 people unemployed. Adequate Health Care Coverage just means less starvation, and more mouths to feed. And not building a giant, thousand-mile wall means less money for the concrete-pourers.

. But I voted for you. And I'll be voting for you next time, too. I'm one of the good guys. So please. Regain your focus and remember why we voted for you. Feel free to call on me any time you need more advice. I'm also available to be your hand-picked CEO for AIG.